my Jurney!

To Day Is New Years eve. I find my sealf siting in South Africa in amasment. This year has been the most life changing and painful year of my life. Its heard to find the words to say. The emotions that I feal in this moment is joy but yet the deapest pain I have even fealt. I want to cry but the tears wont come. I came in to this year of 07 as a broken lost little girl running in the dark. I longed for some one to wisper my name and say they love me. FOr some one to hold me and never let me go. To fill that empty void that could never be satisfied. I was so broken and shatered with scals over my eye. I tryed to make the pain go away I pushed it far in side of me and locked the door. I tryed to for get to be numb to the pain in side. So I serounded my sealf with smocking,drinking, drugs, and sex (so called love). But theys where all so fack,If you blow they would brake and crumble in your hands.
In the midst of all this my sole was screaming for something more. For a love that would not run dry and that would never again leave me alone. Some times I would wisper a prayer hoping God could still lision, "God, Pleas dont give up on me." I know he never stop bleaving in me. As I walked the road blind God was still there. He was holding on to me even when I had let him Go..
Finly I had reached the end of the roap so I desided to run away from it all and try to start again. One day I fould my sealf with a sigeret in my mouth sitiong on the frount steps of my house with the bible opened up on my lap. I Wanted something more but had lost sight of how to reach it... But God Knew how to get hold of my heart..
A few days befor I was to run to Texas to start over again. God brought me an Angle that I will never for get. The first day I meat him he light a fire in me that started to mealt my heart.. For the first time in a long time I was able to cry. THat night with the moon shining on my tear stained face I look up in to its glow and heard a voice wisper. Krista, I love you and want the beast for you. In that moment in time I knew there was a God that rilly caired for me. The folowing months where the most transforming and beautiful.. I did not move to Texas to run away from my mustacks. But in sted whent back to my parients and found unconditunal love and suport. They did not turn ther back on me even if I had broken ther hearts by the way I had left them. They stood by me even when they fould out about my life stile. They cared for me and held me at a very vonerable time. I grew to love and respect them in a way I had never had befor.
I bleave God gave me an angle he was so amasing and beautiful he taught me how to feal , cry, laugh, smile, play, sing, He bleaved in me, He held me threw the most painful times, He never let me go even when he could have but most of all he taught me how to love like I have never loved be for. He showed me pashon that I had never seen. He showed me how I deserve to be treated and he was not ashamed of me... Threw him God alowd me to experience love and pashion that could last a life time. A Love that will never be for goten. He helped me find God again. He showed me how to have pashion and a true faced relationship with God.. I lirned that God was not all about how Good you where but that he loves you the way you are. That every time you fall down he is there to pick you up..
my family and friends watched as I when threw this healing and growing time,they could barly bleave there eyes. I was lirning about God in a knew way. God showed me love threw others. A Hunger and thirst for God grew in me.. I started to serch for God with all that was in me. I wanted to live my life no longer for me but I wanted him to write my life story. Because I could see how much more beautiful it is when he is in controal...
I knew I wanted to go somewhere to lirn more about God. So I prayed and God gave me a heart for Africa. I looked in to Youth with a mission and I found Barbados DTA right away and knew in my sprit that was where God was Calling me... So for the last 3 months I have been seeking God and lirning about His heart for the lost. when I arived in Barbados .. I knew I was where God called me to. It has been the most amasing yet the most painful time of my life.. I lirned so much about God and fell more in love with Him. God started slowly taking every thing that I was holding on to and making them unsterdy. So the only thing I could hold on to Was God. Then God started riping open all the closed doors I thought where cleened out. But to find that I had only cleaned out what I could see. So God started cleaning out all the hiden and forgoten things. There was barly a week that when by that was not full of God polling something new out of me. It was so much pain but God was always there to carry me when all I wanted to do was give up. God was always there to filled all the empty places in me and showd me how much he loved. He would overwelme me with his love and speek sweet words in to my ear. He showed me how he truly saw me.God was and is puting me threw a time of braking so that all the crap in me in being taken out and replaced with some one Beautiful.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve him, If I am in sorrow, my sorroow may serve Him, He does nothing in vain, He knows what He is about. (by. John Hanry Newman)
So,Hear I am with nothing leaft to brake every part of me is week,tired and brokem... God, you have taken every thing from me. God I'm so unperfect, I dont say things right . And somtimes I'm totally lost in who you are but in thows times I just have to rember where I have been and where I am now. one thing I do know is that you will never let me go.. That you will never give up on me and that you will never stop teacking me.
Looking back I came in to this year blind and broken and I end it With new eyes to see but a compleatly new broken heart. But threw this brokenss I will find holeness threw God. God take my weakness and make tem your strangth... I feal as if I dont have a heart any more so God give me your heart. Give me a heart that wont run drie as I love the broken and the hurt. Hear in South Africa and every where you take me. Give me your hand that will tenderly love and cair for the needy. Lord in this next year I lay all of me at your feet. I long for you more every day. Be my lover and friend.
God thank you for all that you have given me this year. God I'm sorry for all the mustakes that I have mad and the mess that I keep making, DADDY I GIVE UP! Take my paint brush from my hand and paint my life story for me. I dont know what to do Daddy I give up I cant do this any more...
Well the South African Sun has gawn down and The New Year is coming in.. I'm going to spen myn with my Love Jesus!!!
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foregn tongue. Do not now seek the answers, Wich can not be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. By. Maria ranier Rilke
May God Bless your New Year and may God teack you to see God for who he truly is! And May you see who you truly are by Gods Eyes!
With Love Krista,